I know a lot of you can relate to this: expectation vs reality in marriage, parenting, work – all of it! No one better to help me dive into this conversation than my husband, Nathan. He brings humor, honesty, and somehow manages to drop wisdom in an encouraging way.

I’m going to tell you how we’ve navigated seasons when life didn’t go according to plan. Sometimes it went well… sometimes not so well. We’re pulling back the curtain and getting real about what we thought marriage would be like, how it’s actually played out, and the mindset shifts that have helped us grow through it all. 

Our expectations going into marriage

Nathan describes being naive when we first got married. We were going to move shortly after marriage. His only expectation was having lots of sex. But aside from that, his expectations came mostly from what he saw modeled to him from his parents. A home cooked meal after a long day of work was something he saw growing up and expected after we got married. He would keep the lights on and was expected to keep the house in order. For me, sex was a shared expectation. In addition, I had expectations based on what I saw growing up that were very different from Nathan’s.

Where have we grown most as a couple?

We have grown so much and there are many examples where I can see growth. But where we have grown most as a couple is our communication. Early on, communication was different because we lived overseas. Because of that we had lots of communicating to do. Moving back to the US we had lots of other couples that mentored us and really helped us to grow in our communication. They were such a great example!

What are things we’ve learned that were surprising about one another?

Nathan said the one thing that surprised him about me was my ability to plan to make sure everyone is taken care of. With the kids in different things, there is a lot of planning to do and arranging to be done. Another thing that surprised Nathan about me is, my passion about empowering women and finding the areas I can influence other people. He was surprised about my drive in doing that. 

For me, Nathan surprises me with his adaptability. I did realize early on how adaptable he was. Whether it’s with work or other situations he is so adaptable. He has a way of connecting with people and adapting in those conversations. It has continued to grow over our 13 year marriage.

Expectation vs reality of parenting

Our expectation of parenting was totally different than how it actually unfolded. First, I did not realize it would be this hard. Parenting has been way harder than being married. Nathan expected it to be easy to go from 1 to 2 children. But he has learned that they are SO different. They have different needs, communication styles, and everything in between. Navigating that has had its challenges.

I expected school to be easy for my daughter. My son, the older of the two, loves learning, is the first to raise his hand, and thrives in school. That has not been the case for our daughter. She is such a leader and so smart. The typical school setting isn’t great for her so we’ve had to work with teachers to help her. It’s been so different.

What advice would we give to a couple who’s in the thick of unmet expectations right now?

Nathan says he would tell people the key is to have those difficult conversations about your unmet expectations. Leave it all out there on the table so they can be resolved. Obviously with grace, not anger and hostility. But it has to be out there to be seen and fixed. Without talking about them, they won’t just solve themselves. With that, find someone who is a season ahead of you and pour into them. Learn from them.

The advice I would give is this – surround yourself with people who value the same things. Marriage is hard, it is sacrifice, and choosing to love that person. Having a great example of this will help you in the long run. We all have those people when we take a step back and look around us. Put yourself out there.

When thinking about the expectation vs reality of married, we’ve definitely had some hard seasons but with the right mindset shifts, we’ve learned to navigate in a healthy way. There are still challenges, messy moments, and more ways that will look different than expected. But we are learning and adapting.

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